Im 26 years old girl, I been here in US for almost 12 years from Syria,,,When i moved here I end up getting married because of family choice, not mine; it was an arranged marriage ...The guy was born back home but lived here most of his life...I tried as much as I can to not marry him and Got sick and tried everything possible to stop the wedding but NO one was listening to me. My grandmother was upset and said that if i don't marry this guy I'll create a lot problems in the family cuz he was far cousin.....Anyways, nothing worked even though I told the guy that I don't love him and i can't see my self marring him but his respond was {I love you and I'll marry you and if i have problem with that I should go and try to solve it with my family but he didn't have any problems and he wanted to marry} that was my last hope,,,,

so we end up getting married and after the wedding he became very abusive mentally and physically and emotionally ,,,,I didn't tell any one about it for a long time but I couldn't hold anymore, I felt very sick for a long time,,,but after I told my family they were by my side and they tried to change him but there was nothing changed, I gave him chances but he screwed all of them and he was the same person after couple of days.....

I been divorced for almost 9 years now and Im very happy now with my life,,,, I am taking everything very slow and just focusing on me and my future....The problem that Im having is when I start dating an Arabic guy I see it so hard to tell them about my past I never mention to him that I was divorced before,,, I know it's not right,, but I get so depressed thinking about it and I feel that an Arabic culture is SOOOO judgmental about these kind of things and I get scared of loosing that person that Im with, even though it's not serious relationship but still I get so scared and I get to point that I want to forget about that whole experience and pretend that it didn't exist....Am I thinking wrong or how should I deal with this problem????? I feel lost sometimes and I wonder why this happened to me when I was young.

Thank you for writing in. It's helpful to our community to hear about arranged marriages from time to time because we forget that it still happens and is often NOT a good thing. This is not to say that it cannot work out, but I think your situation is a more extreme case because you were adamantly opposed to the marriage from the start and coerced into it.

First, let me say that I am VERY proud of you for getting out of this damaging marriage. I'm so sorry that you had to experience it to begin with...it's very sad that your family did not listen to you from the beginning. It probably could have saved you all a lot of heartache. I cannot understand how a man could feel okay about marrying a woman who flat-out tells him that she does not want to marry him. The fact that he followed through on the wedding despite your feelings is an omen of what happened after. That he was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to you is not surprising at all...there is an element of coersion, power, and control in how you were married off to him despite your pleadings to NOT marry.

I am so happy to hear that you are happily divorced now for several years. Good for you. And, furthermore, I am especially pleased to hear that you are dating and still hopeful about meeting a true love. But it sounds like one thing you struggle with is the fact that you are divorced and you don't know how or if you should tell men that you meet. My guess is that you worry that you will be judged or viewed as "damaged goods" and you hesitate to raise an issue that caused tremendous emotional scars. So, here is my response.

You have been divorced for 9 years!!! That's a lot of time to heal. I don't think that any man with any sense at all would question whether you have moved on from this event in your life. I seriously doubt that any man would hold it against YOU for having married at the will of your family. In fact, if anything, an Arab man WILL understand, whereas a non-Arab man might not. We know how our culture is, and if nothing else, any man you meet should feel compassion for you because you did what a "good Arab girl" does and you married someone chosen by your family even though you put up a good fight, only to be thrown into an abusive situation. This is not your fault and was not your choice. You were, in fact, very obviously a victim of a more antiquated aspect of our culture. You are only guilty of doing what you were expected to do. Why on Earth would you feel bad about this? And, rather curiously you ask, "Why did this happen to you?" Hmmm. Well, because you were born into a traditional Arab family who coerced you into marriage with a bad man. Duh. That's why it happened. Do not take responsibility for this event. It is NOT YOURS to take responsibility for, so STOP IT NOW!!!

I believe that your negative feelings about talking about all of this relate more to the emotional scars it has left behind for you. I think you are being far more judgmental of yourself than ANY Arab man with half a brain would ever be about your past. I actually would invite our male members to please comment on this and provide what I hope will be reassurance to you regarding this matter. You should feel free to discuss your past. I would not probably go into details because it will upset you, but certainly you should be honest with men you meet. Do not begin your new relationships with dishonesty. If anyone asks you about your past (e.g., have you been married? have you had serious relationships?), you can simply say, "Yes. I was forced into an arranged marriage by my family when I was really young. They thought it was the right thing. I put up a fight and finally gave in because that's what we do in our culture and because I was raised to be a "good girl and a good daughter." He ended up being very abusive, so I finally told my family and they supported my decision to divorce him. I've been divorced for 9 years and I am much happier. Now I am looking for true love and a kind, caring man to spend my life with."

Does that sound bad to you? I think it's a great response and it's the truth. The truth will set you free. Don't keep yourself in a cage unnecessarily.

Sincerely,        Dr. Bousa

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	Comments Post a Comment You may post your comment below: 1500 of 1500 characters left Posted by Optimistic_lady on Jun 13, 2009 at 04:36 PM: well my friend... i had been in your situation before, i have been married only for 10 months,, but it wasnt arranged, actually it was through a dating site... so i've been there, done that... and i couldnt decide if i should post "divorced" on my profile.. i didnt have enough courage, its an ugly word, thats most of the time unfair... but i posted it anyway, out of believing that we should be honest.. and i thought whomever is gona contact me should be open minded to this... and surprisngly, there are a lot of guys who send me msgs and show interest in me, and a lot of them never got married before.. and by the way some of them are Syrians :) so my advice to you is be yourself,don't hide it at all, just post it on yr profile, and dont feel ashamed or less of a catch because of it.. each divorce has a different story and circumistances... you know it and i know it... so be yourself, and wait for this guy who would adore you the way you are... Posted by dittoo190 on May 12, 2009 at 09:55 PM: tell them up front about your past..theres nothing to be ashamed of..so..you got married..and it didnt work out.. if the new guy cant hadle this ,then you are really better off without him..he is just another "EX" of yours Posted by former member on May 4, 2009 at 11:14 PM: In Iraq, if you are a women divorced you can never remarry again. So, you can save all the distress of convincing yourself to another man after your divorce and most divorces are because of bad marriages whoever the person sad in the marriage was and for whatever reason they have. So, you might have laws in Syria or another arab country too or some thing like it. If you marry a non arab, I think like they are more liberal and go out so many times with many different people. They have sex loosely, divorce and remarry like it isn't anything, and you have already had a problem with a man so you could have a better chance with trying a European culture more liberal and broader minded. I am sorry your parents forced you to your marriage, sometimes they work out when all people agree. Since you never agreed that is true that you got the bad end of the deal that will follow you in your future dealings with men and especially how modest you were raised and how that has left you with more conscientious thinking. Take care. Posted by Abu-zik on Mar 30, 2009 at 07:57 PM: I?m really sorry for what you had gone through. Muslim ladies need to liberate themselves from this old chin of 7th Century of Arabic. Islam is good by its nature, but injected culture in it is some how ridiculous. I am born into mix family of both great religions Christian and Islam in North East Africa. Our parent never choose for one my siblings who to married. I remember my parents one time talking to my elder siblings that ?We are not going to pick for you a husband or wife. Because you?re not a property you are human being, and you know who want to give your love ?. I?m proud that you got out from that choice. Look forward for your future, life is short and you know we are here temporary. Insaallah Allah will give one you love. I am Christian and I had seen a lot of Muslim ladies under went this miserable marriage like your. Zakaria. Posted by former member on Mar 13, 2009 at 10:48 AM: I agree with you about "arrange marriage are the worst". I haven't heard of arrange marriages for such a long time,it's kind of none existent where i come from. I don't understand why a man will want to marry a woman that he doesn't know!! it doesn't make sense to me. And to top it up! you marry your cousins!! my mum is so against it and she is an Arab! No all Arab are the same...I m learning about the Middle Eastern culture and i have to say...It is unique!! :) but they need to live in the new century!And not just pretend. Take care Fairuz Posted by sham_alsham on Mar 9, 2009 at 10:14 PM: HI.. I READ YOUR STORY .. AS IF YOU WERE TELLING THE STORY OF MY LIFE.. BUT FOR ME.. THAT HAPPENS TWICE THE FIRST TIME I DID GET MARRIED AND ATER 3YEARS I GET DIVORCED AND NOW THEY'RE WORKING ON GETTING ME MARRIED THE SAME WAY.. ALTHOUGH I TOLD MY FAMILY MILLION TIMES THAT I DON'T LOVE HIM.. AND I EVEN TOLD THE GUY AND HE SAID THE SAME THING THAT YOUR EX SAID. I WAS IN RELATION WITH SOME ONE BUT THEY DIDN'T NOT LIKE HIM.. I'M STILL NOW TRYING TO GET OVER HIM...YOU KNOW THE THING THAT I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW COULD ANY PARENTS DO THAT TO THEIR KIDS.. UNDER WHAT'S CALLED LOVE , CARE AND PROTECT.. WISH YOU ALL THE HAPPENS IN THE WORLD AND I HOPE THAT SOMEHOW CAN STAY IN CONTACT ... Posted by nugum_il_lail on Mar 7, 2009 at 11:20 PM: Sounds like the x husband's family wanted to wash their hands clean of a mentally, emotionally unstable man from the start. The fact that he did not consider her feelings is a sign that he himself was sick and probably needed meds. Afterall, emotional, mental abusive people need to be hospitalized not married off to sweet women like this one. If the men out there are judgemental, you do not want them. Find the one with compassion, understanding and true love for the great woman you are. Posted by salamehTX on Mar 7, 2009 at 02:52 PM: Hi there i understand yourcase but really dont worry about it if you are happy thats it . Posted by cKlein on Mar 5, 2009 at 09:28 PM: Well, the doc asked for a male perspective but I am not sure if it would be reassuraning like it's hoped... It is true that "if anything, an Arab man WILL understand, whereas a non-Arab man might not" but also, a non-Arab will most likely see no problem in marrying a young divorced girl whereas an arab might. In most cases the man himself might not see it as a problem but his family would, unfortunately there is a stigma attached to divorced women in the eastern culture generally. As much as I sympathize with her, it would be unfair to the man if she withholds this information. My advice is to be honest and non-apologetic, and also to expand the pool a bit and see other guys whose culture/families aren't as judgemental.