Dear Dr. Bousa!!

I guess this is very sensitive question that Im trying to find out the answer for.....As you know, when you met someone on Arab Lounge most of them are long distance, and it's very rare to find someone in your own town and click together 100%... My questions is which Im sure a lot of girls would like to know about it also.....When we meet a guy on this web-site and we end up talking a lot and pretty much have so many things in common and have the chemistry, same goals, attractive to eachother and have same personalities ,,,and even fall in love w/o seeing each other... After planning the trip to see each other, is it bad or wrong if we get intimate with them and express our feelings to each other on the first date???????????? MOST of guys don't know that an Arabic women get intimate with the guy is because she cares about him so much, and it's not just the physical attraction but our heart and feelings and emotions are in it 100%..... And Im not saying you do it with every guy you meet, I don't believe in that at all, but when you think that you found your soul-mate and share everything together and plan the future together I don't considered it as FIRST DATE,,,, am I wrong?? or do guy think that the girl is easy going and she's not a marriage material?? it's confusing because I ask friends and each one has there own answer and it's hard to find out the truth behind this.. And I think A LOT of girls think about this because they don't know if they will loose the guy if they do it or not. Please advice

Thank you for writing in. You raise a VERY sensitive issue, which I often hesitate to discuss because of the fact that these posts always seem to stir up so much emotion, especially from more religious readers. Having said that, I will share my thoughts with you.

First, to placate those readers who believe in strictly adhering to Islamic guidelines, the obvious answer is, No, sex is never okay unless it's with your husband or wife, after marriage, and for procreative purposes. And if we are truly adhering to Islam, we don't drink alcohol, get divorced, and do many other things...

Okay, now let's get down to business. Life is simply not the ideal unless you live in a tiny village somewhere, where the community is so small and controlled that everyone follows one set of norms. The reality is that we do drink, party, date, masturbate, and have sex...all before and during marriage, and after divorce too. The reality is men are RARELY virgins prior to marriage and not only is it usually expected that they not be, infidelity is often much more acceptable by men in our culture. Unfair, but true. Women are more often virgins, and are almost always expected to be, and infidelity can lead to...well, all sorts of horrible things...the woman being divorced, shamed and humiliated, beat, beheaded, stoned, who knows. Have you even ever heard of an Arab man being beaten by his wife for infidelity? But I digress.

The point is, let's use as our starting point for this discussion an acceptance of WHAT REALLY HAPPENS in real life, not what we believe SHOULD happen. It's far less useful to discuss hypotheticals, than realities. So, having said that, YES, you are correct...many people online meet others who live far away. This can be problematic, primarily because it's really difficult to TRULY know another person without physically spending time with them. When you develop and long-distance relationship over several months with another person, it's really questionable whether you are actually in love with that person. I don't doubt that you FEEL like you're in love, but I would adamantly argue that cannot possibly be in love with that person...rather you are in love with the IDEA of that person and the fantasy of a relationship with that person. Because you have been online with them and long-distance for the majority if not all of your time in this relationship, you have not yet had the opportunity to deal with conflict, see them behave in all circumstances especially adverse and uncomfortable ones, meet their friends and family and see them in context. This is critical as REAL life involves the good...and the bad.

Now, having said all this I am in NO way condemning sex or intimacy on your first date after "dating" someone long-distance for 6 months, for example. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with expressing your "love" or feelings of tenderness physically. That is what we do as human beings. And it's a beautiful thing. But what I would encourage is that you go into that situation with your eyes open, understanding that if the man (and/or you) decide not to pursue the relationship any longer, it probably does not have anything to do with whether or not you had sex (that's just an excuse we use because it's an easy scapegoat)...it's because we just didn't know ALL of that person. Real life introduces more variables than we experience in a limited long-distance relationship.

So, again, my advice is to meet your potential life partner as soon as possible once things get going online. Make it happen! The least of your worries should be the sex part. Have it or don't have it, but either way remember that if you are really dealing with a proper match (who should feel the same way about you on the sex issue), whether the relationship works or not has nothing to do with the sex. If, let's say, you and your "man" met finally and decided to have sex because you feel so connected...but then he breaks up with you afterwards...then clearly he is NOT the right match. Should this happen, don't beat yourself up because you feel like you jeopardized the relationship by sleeping with him because now he doesn't respect you...that's BS...because clearly it took 2 of you to make sex happen. It's just an excuse. Understand that what really happened is that the reality of being together didn't end up matching the fantasy of being together. Consider yourself lucky that you found out earlier than later, and move on! Learn the lesson and move forward.

People make the mistake of putting so much emphasis on sex. It's just NOT about the sex. Finding true happiness in a relationship and finding companionship that will last you a lifetime is challenging and requires good judgment. My theory is that we spend so much time focused on the sex, virginity, should we or should we not have sex, that we miss all the important things. Then we end up with the wrong partner or a total mismatch and we don't want to have sex with them anyway. It's all very ironic. Perhaps if we focused more on the human spirit, values, philosophies of live, and characteristics that we believe are likely to sustain relationships (e.g., honestly, kindness, compassion, humor, intelligence), we might have a fighting chance at surviving the high divorce statistics!

Sincerely,        Dr. Bousa

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	Comments Post a Comment You may post your comment below: 1500 of 1500 characters left Posted by former member on May 5, 2009 at 11:29 PM: It shouldn't make you insecure that the guy will leave you if you do have sex with him or if you don't have sex with him. In a relationship the people should make one another feel comfortable with the other. If sex is the basis for breakup then there really isn't much basis for a commitment between the parties and if you are looking for marriage you should feel more to a relationship than that. If you don't feel anything and like you said you are so compatible based on not have ever met each other to make secure than probably you aren't so satisfied and neither do you if is he. So, since you have a question why you slow down and meet each other to discuss some things that are important or don't meet him at all by yourself. You don't know him and he might have a plan to harm you or you may wind up dead too. Be careful and read a lot of good articles on Dr. Bousa about blind dating. Plus, your crotch will be open for 3 years. Did you want to have a wide crotch for one time that the guy may even leave you? This happened to me too. Sorry. Posted by former member on Mar 21, 2009 at 09:51 AM: Great talks from both Dr and Yasmin, but here is my Advice ,since i live in arbic world , Having Sex at the First date will give idea that ur easy Going girl no matter how long this relation on the net , as well as Guys who got easily what they want they have bad idea about the girl and consider most of the time that your not good for marriage... Posted by YasmineATL on Mar 9, 2009 at 11:26 AM: Thank you Dr. Bousa! However, it's never a great idea to have "sex" with a person you just met regardless of your ethnic background and/or religious beliefs... There are a long list of STD's one can contract from such an encounter whether using protection or not. Sex is best left to those in committed relationships who have been together "in person" for a "substantial" amount of "quality time." Whatever substantial means to you but, dating via the internet or the telephone does not constitute quality time...